So today I had my dating scan. (the 4th scan i've actually had but this is the 'one' that everyone gets excited about. Everyone that is, apart from me it seems. Its a scan, I've been there, I've done that...I didnt even ask my husband to come along. Just another routine appointment that I've had to alter my entire day around. More of a niggling pain than something to look forward to.

Until I saw the heartbeat, then it changed, then I became excited, then I knew it was real and I had this new life living inside of me.

and now....the guilt. For not being excited, for telling people, oh god I can't get excited, its just another baby. When on earth did I become so blase about being pregnant. Thats not like me at all, not with my history.

Today that changed, today I realised how so very very lucky we are. I'm sorry for ignoring you and pretending you were not there. I do love you, just as much as I loved both your brother and sister.